i should stop being too self-aware
the other day, i was watching a video essay on the dangers of too much self-awareness. some things the vid pointed out:
- self-awareness can lead to over-researching in favor of actually doing the thing being researched
- self-aware people don’t live enough because they can get too busy self-monitoring
- self-aware people are always trying to label things to try and “justify” things, e.g. themselves, the things that happened to them, their lifestyle, decisions, etc
ironically, as i was watching the video, i felt the urge to label my own self-awareness. omg this is literally me and this explains why i am the way i am!
then i kind of kicked myself in the shin and decided this needed to change.
i’ve always thrown around my self-awareness like it’s a flex, or like it’s my main personality trait. to be fair, it feels good especially when i’m in a room of people i deem less self-aware. this needs to change as well.
it’s just that i’m getting older and i feel like i want to live more, and to do that, i think, i should stop self-monitoring so much. i’ve written a bit about my dilemmas re: self-curation before, but i’m thinking of cutting this out both on the internet and irl.
i want to be able to hold conversations with people and friends without simultaneously running an inner monologue on whether or not i was sounding dumb, or smart, or interesting, or funny, or sensible.
i want to buy and have things to look nice and presentable without feeling bad or giving myself a self-wink on how i’m aware that this is all so materialistic and surface-level and potentially, shallow.
because damn it, i want to be liked. not in the most popular kid in school way, but i want to leave people with good impressions and good feelings. i want to be good, in all its moral and basic sense. and to be all that, i have to be perceived, and i don’t think i’ve been perceived enough, no thanks to all my self-curation or not wanting to self-curate.
it’s all just too much. i need to stop being like this. i don’t know how this would possibly work. maybe i’ll fail. but i’ll give it my best shot and come back to you when i’ve figured this out some more.