the worst case scenario happened
i hate complaining about something i know for sure isn't specifically and exclusively affecting only me, but this is my blog and i need an outlet. or something.
earlier this year i lost my job and it pretty embarrassingly and quickly became a low point in my life. to be frank, it wasn't the best job in the world and the pay wasn't anything mind-blowing, but it gave me something to do every (week)day and i was able to contribute to the monthly expenses my partner and i (and our cats!) rely on to survive.
i never imagined that losing that job would've had such an impact on me. i was of course delusional during the first few weeks of unemployment, fully convincing myself that i would easily and quickly land myself a new, better job.
it took me three months to find a new job.
and here's where i hate complaining about this, because i know things are probably likely a lot worse for other people. i've read and heard and know about people who take longer, months, years, decades, to find a job to sustain themselves. so i've been trying to not talk about this or process this too much.
and i did try, i swear.
it just kind of scared me how much i ended up caring about the job that i lost, or the fact that i lost it. this was a job i knew i wasn't going to do for the rest of my life or anything, and i didn't think i cared much about it. but not having it — or any job — for three months was a genuinely scary time for me.
i'm sure this is going to sound bad or horrible to say or type out, but i think i realized i hated not making money. and don't get me wrong, i had money. that was what all the years of working was for, so that i'd have a cushion in case the worst case scenario happened, and i did have that cushion for those three months.
it just really felt like shit to be using money when i wasn't making money. and that really sucks to realize, because that's money i worked hard for and deserved to enjoy, probably.
during the first month of being unemployed, i couldn't game. that was one month of free time i could've sunk into video games and other fun stuff i couldn't do when i had to work on weekdays, but i couldn't bring myself to do anything that wasn't part of The Job Hunt, and i hated it.
so anyway, the worst case scenario happened sometime this year for me, and i've since bounced back. or i am in the process of bouncing back. my new job is similar to my old one but more serious and i have a few more responsibilities than i did in my old job. i'm also still replenishing some of the money i used during unemployment.
it's been a long year, and i didn't really know how to complain about it without sounding ungrateful or tactless. i know things are horrible for other people in other places. and my worst case scenario is probably a decent wednesday for somebody else. i just needed to put this somewhere so that when another bad day happens to me i can maybe remind myself that i bounced back. or that i'm capable of bouncing back, even when it felt and looked scary for a while.