i want so much
i keep thinking about this, and then fighting myself about not thinking about it so much because i want to live humbly and gently.
but goddamn.
there’s so many things i want to do. so many things i want to try, and write, and visit, and eat, and taste.
i want to be rich. not crazy rich, just stress-free rich. like i can buy something that i don’t need — just want — and i won’t feel bad. i won’t have to do that money math in my head before confirming a purchase.
i want to speak more languages. i already do that, a bit, but i want to learn a lot more languages. don’t know why. just would be fun.
i want to play music instruments. i learned piano way back when, but never got good enough to want to play in public. just the gist of it. i self-taught myself guitar through youtube, and again, never got good enough to play in front of other people.
i want to have to not work anymore, so i can spend afternoons watching movies with gf and cuddling with our cats. so i can learn new recipes and cook for us, so i can have more time to play video games and get good at them.
i know, i know. there are bigger fish to fry. bigger things to worry my little head about.
but still. i want so much, and yet, sometimes, i just want to not want anymore. sometimes, when it’s really quiet in the day and i let myself think it, sometimes i think i want to not have to think about all of this. think about wanting.
i keep telling myself, how selfish, to want all that. i have enough. i’m happy, thanks to the people (and cats) in my life. i shouldn’t keep wanting. how dare i, how could i.
i just wish sometimes that wanting those extra things could be a fun side quest.
sometimes, when i’m stupid enough in the day, it almost feels like i lose because i still don’t have those things. sometimes it almost feels like i want to die because i want all those things and i don’t have them. which is crazy, i know, because who cares about languages and piano and getting good at video games?
but goddamn. i want all those things. even when i already have so much.
i wish i didn’t want so much.