here's to friends (old and new)
for the longest time, i'd convinced myself that i didn't "need" friends. not necessarily in the misanthrope sense, i guess, but more like, i didn't want to place too much importance in other people. whatever that means.
i had friends, and i love and care about them very much, but i just never had the feeling like they were my "best" friends. i don't really know how to explain this, except that, i had convinced myself that it was probably okay not to "rank" my friends like that, and that all my friends, no matter the context, were my friends, and no one had to be my "best" or "closest" friend.
years later, i realize how this has fucked up things for me, socially. i've technically always been on good terms with the people around me, but i just never put in the extra effort or went the extra mile to try and be their "best" or "closest" friend, i guess.
for a while, specifically during the pandemic, i had simply accepted this fuck up. i figured i might live the rest of my life just never having "best" friends or doing anything special to be a good friend to my friends. what was the worst that could happen?
now, at 31, i've realized that maybe i want friends. and not just in the generic, apply-to-all, sense. i've realized that maybe it could be bad that i'm a grown adult with no special social life beyond my long-time girlfriend. and i've realized that maybe wanting that is okay.
in the past couple of months, i've started reaching out to "old" friends. people i maybe stopped talking to or texting because, like i said, i never wanted to put importance in other people like that. in my own stubborn, silly way. this involved a lot of apologizing: a) for being a bad texter and b) for basically being a shitty friend all these years.
i've also started being a little more social at work, which basically means i'm not always shutting down invitations to this and that. and i'm trying to listen more so i can also talk more. this part has been a little tricky because this is technically my first time as an adult surrounded by other adults in a neutral, non-school, non-sports setting. it's intimidating and i'm sometimes cringing at things i might have said or reactions i might have made in situations. but i think i'm doing okay.
so here's to putting in the extra effort. going the extra mile. being a better texter, and showing the people i love that i care about them and i'm thinking about them, and i want to know how they're doing. here's to friends.