caring is hardcore
i try not to scroll social media too much. i really do. but sometimes, i can't help myself. i guess it's habit or muscle memory, or wanting to indulge in bad shit that isn't irl and within my physical environment.
anyway, i was on twitter just earlier and i saw probably my favorite response to any "woke" or activism- or empathy-related discourse ever: "if i cared that much about everything like you people i would just end myself"
and like, i agree. i don't think the non-woke, right-wing, pro-trump person is wrong for saying that. because caring is hard. it's difficult stuff. caring about things and people and matters and the world is like living life in ultra prestige difficulty.
in contrast, not caring about things is so easy. i could say one or two or three of the many slurs i shouldn't because i think it's fun or because "i just don't care". it would be so easy.
but i won't, because i do care. even when caring makes me angry and sad and scared about the world and myself and the people i love and care about. even people i don't know or have met, most times.
caring isn't the gentle act of love non-woke people think it is, i think. i think caring is fucking hard. like bringing axe to a tree. caring is violent. caring makes me paranoid and not want to trust others so easily.
not caring is so, so, so easy. that's why most people choose to just not care. because caring means thinking. caring means having to face weird, uncomfortable thoughts like, "maybe my parents, whom i love and like, aren't totally right about everything. maybe they're wrong. maybe they're even bad people." or shit like, "maybe my favorite author/actor/artist, who is really good at their craft, is a bad person and has bad moral standpoints."
so yeah, i get that the idea of someone caring about things beyond themselves is intimidating to people who just aren't built for it. people who are content with not caring, because not caring is easy mode. it's baby stuff.
caring about things makes me want to kill myself, because where does it end? there's so much bad shit. everywhere. anytime. every time. i start caring about one thing and i learn more about it and it's connected to ten other things i should care about, because caring about just the one thing would be counterproductive or worse, pretentious. caring is so fucking hard. every time i think about it too long, i want to kill myself, just so i wouldn't have to care anymore.
i could so easily choose to join the other side right now. just choose to not care. but then what's the point? then i'd rather kill myself too. if i don't care about one issue or the other, then i shouldn't care about anything, even myself. otherwise it's just pretentious. i just don't have the gall to not care about one thing and then care about another thing (like myself, for example). if i'm gonna not care, i need to not care about anything and everything. it never ends.
so i choose to care. even though caring makes me angry, and sad, and happy, and scared. even though caring is so fucking hard and exhausting. sometimes caring even feels hopeless, because i have so much care and not enough resources to actually do something or change anything. caring is difficult, and a constant effort, and a chore.
and even though caring too much makes me want to kill myself sometimes, i think that if i gave in and just stopped caring about anything i'd kill myself even faster and with more certainty.